A Catalog of Thoughts

It has been months since I have touched this corner of the internet. I have had both friends and family remark on the lack of posts, and truthfully I have thought of it on and off. I wanted to write, but so many other things took precedence. I never wanted this blog to be something I had to do, but rather something I did and something I wrote about when the thoughts came and that blogging inspiration struck. It has definitely taken the back burner over the past few months, but as I have thought more about it recently, I am realizing I have so much to write, and so many thoughts that I want to get out. After all, this blog always served as the best way for me to truly organize my thoughts and really allowed me to put pen to paper (...or fingers to keys) with all of the ideas and thoughts running in my brain.

I think that this summer I want to do just that. Really focus on finding time to get back to something I loved, and something that helped me so much. That something being this little blog of mine. I have a lot of thoughts stemming back to February when my family celebrated what would have been Alex's 25th birthday, thoughts about school and work and seeing a lot of patient's addicted to drugs that took Alex's life, thoughts about turning 22, an age Alex never made it too, and so much more. So, essentially this post is a post to say a lot is to come. Many thoughts to be shared and things I have to say. I wrote several "Coffee Talk" posts in the past and loved being able to just spill out some thoughts, and it's fitting that I sit at a coffee shop currently as I write this.

I think that's the beauty of this little blog, and any blog for that matter, and it's that we write when we feel its right. There's no time table or due dates. It's that people have things to say, but the genuine authenticity that comes with a blog, is that you write when the thoughts and inspiration come and that we don't force anything.

For the past few months, I haven't thought about my sister's death a lot. Perhaps I am over that bump in the road or something? For almost an entire year after her death not a day went by that I didn't wish I could talk to her, or see her again. Of course, I want nothing more. I long for the day we see each other again in Heaven and I can embrace her and tell her millions of stories and hear her laugh and see her smile. I simply cannot wait, and I will forever be dreaming of that day. But after a while, I learned how to live day to day without her. I learned that wishing for her to come back and spending everyday waiting for her, wasn't going to change anything and wasn't going to help me at all. I also learned that I didn't need to hold onto stories for her, and I learned that she sees my life now and is living my stories already. In the past few years, I have developed so many ways to combat the pain and so many "tips and tricks" to overcome grief. I am by no means an expert, and I without a doubt have my extremely hard days. But I have found so many things that work for me. I think I am going to dedicate an entire post to that. But for now, I am genuinely happy. I have found people to surround myself with that bring out the best in me and truly accept the events that have shaped who I am today. I have found hobbies and interests and ways to spend my time that bring me joy and remind me of the good in life and the good Alex brought to my life. And I am pursuing a career that will allow me to follow a dream that Alex instilled in me after she passed, and continue to be there for people in some of their toughest times. Because, in a different sense, I know what it's like to really need the presence of people during the worst days of your life.

So, stick around. Again, thank you to everyone who has read this blog, and who will read this blog. The thought that people are out there reading this is crazy and when people tell me sweet words about essentially my thoughts, I am simply blown away. Thank you. Your words mean more than you'll ever know. And I like to think Alex has a hand in that. So here's to many more thoughts, and a lot of writing. A lot of writing for Alex, because her memory will forever live on.

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